I never had a reason to be mad at God before our first daughter Jane was born. I was certainly frustrated with Him at times, even impatient perhaps, but never angry that I can remember. After Jane was born, in the words of my husband, we were “ambushed”. We had no clue that our healthy three-day-old was actually dying before our eyes. After she was revived and we were able to bring her home, our cries for help for her seizures were ignored by the medical professionals she was being treated under. When we finally received apt treatment at another hospital, we were told that had our concerns been taken seriously, her lifelong blindness, immobility and cognitive delay could have been avoided. Enter: Mad at God.
To be honest, I think I was more disappointed than mad. For the sake of accurate diagnoses let’s look at the Mirriam Webster definition of both words.
“Mad” – intensely angry or displeased.
“Disappointed” – defeated in expectation or hope
While I can definitely understand how someone would be mad at God, I would say I erred on the side of disappointment in God, but mad at man. I hoped and expected that when I played by God’s rules, God would have our back. I remember sinking to the hallway floor as they took Jane out of my arms and rushed her to the ER under code blue thinking, “This is what it feels like when God doesn’t play by the rules.” Although we proudly expressed, “God is good” after Jane’s brain injuries and delayed treatment, it was hard to reconcile how His goodness worked together with such injustice toward our precious baby girl.
This is not an argument about God’s goodness, but it is a long-winded way of saying, we as humans have every reason to experience anger and disappointment towards God. The premature death of loved-ones, the loss of a home, the rejection from a spouse, the preventable consequences of poor medical treatment for our infant daughter. We all have reason to be mad. We all have levels of disappointment.
We could get very lost in the philosophical argument of what’s “allowed” with God, so I prefer to just look at the Bible as my roadmap. Throughout Scripture we find men, desperate human men, in the throws of rejection, betrayal, civil war, national chaos and fear. Their responses, thankfully, are not poised, happy, or cliche (“God is good brother” #blessed). They are human. They sound like me.
King David cries in the Psalms,
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me, save me because of your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. Psalm 6:3-6
Awake, Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? Psalm 44:24
Jeremiah asks in Lamentations, as he watches his city being destroyed from a nearby vantage point,
Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Lamentations 5:20
And the prophet Habakkuk asks of the Lord,
How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Habakkuk 1:1-4
Clearly, throughout the Scriptures, men (and women) expressed their anger toward their unmet expectations with boldness. But just because they expressed it, does that mean it’s okay? It would be best to look at God’s response to these emotionally fueled prophets and poets.
See God’s thoughts about David, who penned most of the Psalms and who never held back his honesty toward the Lord,
“I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfill all my will.” Acts 13:22b
Jeremiah, knowing the destruction of his city is imminent writes,
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”” Lamentations 3:21-24
And the Lord replies to Habakkuk’s cry of distress,
“Look at the nations and watch—and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5
Did the authors who expressed anger and confusion die of blasphemy and heresy? No. Did they wait in silence? Sometimes. But God always answered. Anger that pours out of a contrite heart is merely a pathway to a reconciliation. A breach in the wall of bitterness that says, “God, I don’t understand it, but I’m willing to start the conversation.” An open door to reveal God’s heart, and to offer yours.
Disappointment birthed out of arrogance can be a wall, but disappointment birthed out of desperation can be a bridge.
How lucky are we to bring all our emotions to God? Our joy, sadness, pain, sorrow, anger, fear and ecstasy. It’s all a symptom of a heart that is still mendable.
So, is it ok to be angry with God? Yes I think so. Is it ok to be disappointed? Of course. To feel is a sign, that your heart is soft, and to express it is a sign that you’re ready to let Him join you on your process.
To ignore your unmet expectations does not impress God. To pour it out before Him is utterly irresistible to Him,
“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart.” Psalm 51:7
If brokenness is the key to His nearness, then let us not shy away from shattering our pride into a million pieces and letting our sorrow flow.
The key is not to not feel anger. It will happen as expectations go unmet again and again. The key is to feel. To feel your way into honesty, and right into brokenness that leaves the Lord no choice but to run to your pain and fill it with His cross. A cross that makes sense of our pain and points to a greater story. A cross that takes our messed up experiences and somehow balms it up with the hope of heaven and assurance of eternity. A cross that bridges the gap for the frustrated sinner, the doubting church-goer, the angry rule-follower, and the honest disciple, full of disappointment.
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