5 Ways to Dominate Appointments. A Guide for the Medical Mom:

After we had Jane our life was FULL of specialty appointments: Gastroenterology, Neurology, Epileptology, Endocrenology, Genetics, Optometry, Lobotomy, Orthotics… Guys. GUYS! Needless to say, my third daughter didn’t have a real doctor’s appointment until she was 3 years old. I’m completely serious. But I feel like 9 years in we have hit a groove where appointments no longer rule us, we rule them. YOU HEAR ME FLUORESCENT LIGHTS!? Last week I drove Jane to and from a Gastroenterology appointment and Rich thanked me for taking the day to do that with her. My response showed me we had really gotten somewhere, “It was actually kind of.. nice.” What the whaaaat! This was quite the turn around from years of feeling like I was being trapped and thrown into past trauma. Here’s my tips:

1. You are in charge of your schedule

Unless your child is in a medical emergency, you can actually say, “No thank you that won’t work for me” to appointments. I used to feel completely ruled by the beckoning of Jane’s specialists. Then we added the pediatricians and dentists and teachers and coaches of our other girls. Whoa. But if 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that many things can wait, and many things can be done via video 🙂 – I’m not saying to cancel showing up out of fear or neglect, but just remember that you are in control, and if rescheduling or video visits help your mental fortitude, then ride on, sister. This really helps me feel like I am not being forced into an appointment against my will, but it’s something I’ve chosen, thoughtfully scheduled out, and am in control of, which ultimately leads to a lot more confidence going in.

2. It is most definitely an excuse for a fun break.

If we are not taking time to enjoy the outdoors, a fun shopping break, or a great pastry on our appointment outing, what are we even doing? I can still remember my parents rewarding me with sushi after some of my dentist appointments (I have not changed). But now I’m thinking that the reward was actually for them, driving 45 min away from their home so they could watch me cry in a dentist’s chair. Take the time to explore something you’ve always wanted to in that other city or on the other part of town. When Jane was hospitalized almost 8 hrs from our home, I made sure to find all my favorite local eateries. I still crave the Acai bowls that were around the corner from the Children’s Hospital. Incorporating rewards for yourself is a great way to look forward to the day.

3. Bring home with you

As mentioned earlier, so much of our early life with Jane was not planned, but rather thrust upon us, paving the way for many episodes of PTSD for us. Jane’s appointment last week was in the same building where she (and we) stayed for one month at 3 days old. I had a mask on but as soon as I slipped it off the smell of the building took me straight back to 2014, postpartum, anxious, a ball of nerves. I was able to acknowledge it and move on very quickly (a testament to lots of prayer and emotional fortitude that I’ve been building up over the last 5 years) . If doctor’s offices give you a little wring of nausea or trauma it is so helpful to have home with you. Essential oil rollers, your favorite gum, protein bar (so important for grounding our nerves), playing you and your child’s favorite song, have the audio Bible play in your headphones , or out loud! Facetime a family member while you wait to remind you and your child of the life outside of the fluorescent lights that will be waiting for you very shortly! This lends back to taking control of your environment and not letting the environment take control of you.

4. Get ready

Duh, right? But no really, get ready. Do your hair, makeup, make yourself your favorite beverage, feel settled. Wake up early enough to where you feel like you own the day, it didn’t just sneak attack you and here you are. Dress in a way where you feel confident next to the medical professional you’re seeing today. It makes a difference! To your psyche, to your confidence. Feeling complete will help you not feel like you’re grasping for your footing if you hear anxious news or the day doesn’t go as planned. If all else fails, you know that your hair is done, your bed is made, and matcha is already in your system 🙂 .

5. Divide and conquer

I have encountered a lot of special needs moms that take the weight of their child’s health on their shoulders. Of course we should care about our kids and what they need, but when we try to single-handedly carry the load of it ALL, its a recipe for burnout, marital issues and emotional disaster. If you can: divide and conquer! We recently found out that our lab is open on Saturdays so Rich now takes Jane on Saturday mornings (as needed) to get her blood drawn. This upcoming week I have to take all three girls to a dentist appointment , yippeeeeee. But my mom is coming with me! I have no badge of pride that says, ” I do everything for my children. I am the one through whom they live, move and breathe. I am. The. Advocate.” No. I need help. So when we can we share the load. When Rich is gone with Jane I make sure that I’m making home feel like home, so when they get back Jane can rest and Rich gets to unload emotionally if needed in a safe and welcoming environment. When I am doing ALL the things by myself, there is no welcome home. It’s don’t ask me for dinner and make sure not to drink the milk you left in your cup eight hours ago. When we share we can maximize where it’s important and alleviate a ton of stress.

Let me know what you’ve found helpful in managing your appointments !

– Hilary