I Wish Someone Told Me: Marriage

Welcome, happy couple, to our first ever marriage post. If you don’t have a child with special needs, or you do, I believe we all need tools to stay happily together while facing unexpected stress. But obviously, we have a soft spot in our heart for those who have someone with special needs in the family.

I’ve recently heard a ton of statistics which boast that marriages in which someone in the household has special needs are around 80% more likely to end in divorce. It sounds really daunting and a great way to start off a marriage post, but it’s actually not true.

The Krieger Institute did a 2010 study that revealed families with a special needs child (focus being on autism) are only 1% more likely to split up! I think it’s super important for couples to know this so that hope is instilled again! If you feel like the odds are against you then chances are you won’t have much fight in you. But if you know you’re set up for success , then I bet you will approach your marriage differently. You can make it and you’re not doomed. Special needs families are, of course, exposed to a much larger range of stressors and pressures that may cause fatigue, emotional distress and withdrawal. Not necessarily resulting in a collapse of the marriage, but rather a very strained one. We want to help you not feel as strained.

We gathered some of your questions from social media, and my cute husband and I did our best to answer them.

How do you prioritize, and maximize alone time together as a couple? 

Rich said:

Craig Groeschel (senior pastor of Life.Church and host of an amazing self-titled leadership podcast) says there’s no such thing as a perfectly balanced life, because life is seasonal. I’ve found this to be true. That means in every season you’ll be making a choice to give more time to one thing and, by default, less time to something else. In this season for us, here’s what that looks like:

-Sacrificing some sleep and staying up 1-2 hours later so we can spend time with each other without kids around. 

-Putting boundaries on our smart phone & social media usage when we’re together (no social media on Sunday nights, no phones past 8pm unless it’s an emergency or we’re doing something engaging together).

-Keeping dates simple and local (less time spent driving long distances and in traffic, more time to be able to focus on each other).

-Staycations (saves money, keeps you close to the kids in case the babysitter has an emergency, allows for more “breathing room” without a packed, stressful travel plan or itinerary). 

Hilary said :

My love language is primarily quality time, so this is one thing I have spent lots of time thinking about! I agree with what Rich said, along with the following: 

Coffee dates vs Out of town Extravaganza – Taking time for each other was already a bit of a challenge as Jane’s needs grew, along with her physical size, and it only got more complicated after having Millie 3 months ago. One thing I’ve enjoyed in this full season is taking simple coffee dates, like Rich mentioned. More than just staring at each others faces , we bring our notebooks or iPads in order to spend some time on our dreams and talents. We’ve all had those dates where you finally get alone and then think , “Uhhh.. so have you seen this YouTube video yet?” These “Dream Dates” give some direction to our time together. And they don’t have to take place outside of the house, but it sure does help. We may write one to two sentences for a song or blog, or maybe none at all. But it’s nice to know that we had time for each other and for ourselves.  

Exercise – Rich didn’t mention this one, so maybe it’s just my favorite? I think working out together is a huge bonding tool. You are spending time together, while simultaneously creating happy endorphins, building muscle and stamina to take care of your children, AND hopefully becoming even more attracted to your spouse in the process. It’s rare that we can go to the gym at the same time these days, so most of the time it’s a quick at-home workout. 

How do you deal with each others differing emotions and stressors?

Rich said :

Be open and honest with each other about what your stressors are. Identify them in yourself, share them with your spouse, ask for their perspective and get ready for a long conversation 🙂 Then, as teammates, work to help reduce each others’ stressors as much as it’s in your power, even if it’s little things. For example, when I’m low on clean laundry, it stresses me out. Hilary is amazing at keeping me stocked with clean laundry. It’s a trivial little thing, but just seeing that she’s taken the effort to cover that stressor for me even when it’s something so small helps me feel like she’s on my team when the bigger stuff hits (surprise hospital visits, discouraging progress reports from teachers, etc.) That results in me being less shaken in those moments because I know that she’s got my back no matter what.

Hilary said:

Well, I JUST learned that low laundry supply is one of Rich’s stressors, so feeling like a rockstar that all the laundry is done right now. 

Rich and I talk about EVERYTHING. More often it’s me talking out my feelings, but it’s definitely something we both do. No thought, disappointment or question is left in the dark. It saves us so much time that we would otherwise be spending on wondering and assuming. It leaves little room for offense. 

We also sought marriage counseling when Jane was 2 yrs old. It was a fantastic decision to seek out counseling before we were in any danger. It gave us tools and clarity and ideas to draw from, even 2 yrs later. We once had a young couple about to get married joke with us that they didn’t need marriage counseling cause they didn’t have “problems”. That mindset, in itself, is a problem :). We figure, you don’t wait to take your car in for an oil change when it’s already totaled. So don’t wait for your marriage to collapse before seeking help. See it as maintenance and steroids and a probiotic for your marriage 🙂 

Along with speaking to each other, taking personality tests is really fun and an easy way to identify each others emotional needs. Aside from that, just observing how the other person reacts to stress is HUGE. Rich knows that when I’m stressed I get quiet, and REALLY into cleaning. I know that when Rich gets stressed he may get impatient and come across as angry. 

When you understand each others reactions to stress it’s much easier to not take it personally and to let the other person process and ride out the emotion. And also helping them along in their process if you can, of course. 

How do you deal with disagreements around care or treatment?

Rich said:

We haven’t faced that situation yet, but in general with big decisions we try to make sure we’re always on the same page and saying the same thing. Sometimes that might mean talking it out, frustration, tears, an hour or two apart to think and process, but it’s important that when the decision is made, the shot is being called not by one person, but by both in agreement.

Hilary said:

Therapists, schools, sleep training, behavior management, medications, equipment, and medical care are a LOT of decisions to face!  It may be old school,  but it if there is ever a conflict of what decision to make, I will default to what Rich feels since I believe he is ultimately the head of our house (No pressure babe!). I know he prays and talks to God on the regular, and also has a patient, thought out process of decision making, so I can trust him without fear, even if it makes me uncomfortable at first. 

How do you respond to a spouse that may be on a different page? Denial, or not ready to move forward with services, etc. Struggles with diagnosis, etc.

Rich said :

Communication (and lack of) will make or break everything. There has to be a mutual understanding that everyone processes things differently. Both spouses should always try to be in a place where their priority is to serve their spouse’s processing needs and not be served. Give time and space as needed, be a listening ear, and remember that this stuff doesn’t happen over night.

Hilary said:

I’ll never forget when Jane was sent to ICU at 3 days old, we had only been married two years and it was the first time I had ever seen Rich process grief. I learned overnight that we process very differently. Rich refused to leave her side and I wanted fresh air and a clear mind. I am still that way when it comes to her routine hospital visits. As Rich said, knowing we process different and giving eachother the permission to do so is really healthy.

How do you handle grief and support each other?

Rich said :

We’ve had to learn to take turns as “the strong one” and “the weak one”. The “strong one” pulls it together, does their best to have patience and compassion towards their spouse and be an emotional rock and shoulder to cry on without being sucked into the pit of despair too much. The “weak one” allows that pit to be their home for a few minutes; weeping, expressing their frustration, vocalizing all questions of “How could this happen to us?” “Will things ever get better?” “Can we really handle this?” The “strong one” doesn’t attempt to answer these questions or try to make the “weak one” feel better, they just provide a judgment-free space to be a sounding board for all of the pent-up stuff inside of the “weak one” and acknowledge and agree with their pain.

(Side-note: it’s good to have an additional “strong one” who’s not a spouse [a family member, a best friend, etc.] who is a safe confidant that you can talk to if you think some of the things you need to voice will be disheartening to your spouse if they’re not ready to hear them yet)

Hilary said:

Wow babe, that was really good! It’s almost like we’ve spent at least 15 hours in marriage counseling or something…

What are your top 3 ways to keep the connection?

Rich said:

Tears – Brokenness brings walls down. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of your spouse (especially men) and be honest with how you’re handling things. It may feel like a hit to the pride, but it clears the rubble on the relational landscape and brings you back to a place of openness and honesty.

Laughter – Life is difficult, and if you let it, it will beat you down. Laughter helps the heavy stuff feel a little lighter and the sting hurt a little less. Hard times are going to come, but it really is up to you how you’re going to respond to it. Try to find a reason to laugh. When we were in the hospital at the beginning of Jane’s life after being hit with all kinds of crazy diagnoses, we were buckling in to watch her undergo a month’s worth of awful medical tests. As we were getting settled in her new room, one of her nurses took to the whiteboard by her bed and under the “patient name” section, she spelled our daughter’s name (Jane Harris) as “Jan Haries”. “JAN HARIES”?? It’s like she didn’t even try! The nurse walked out without a clue. We laughed about it then, and we still laugh about it 4 and a half years later because it’s FUNNY!

Sex – The most physically and emotionally intimate act there is. If you’re not having sex with your spouse, you’re disconnected. It’s that simple. Every other area could be firing on all cylinders, but if the sex isn’t there, you’re in danger. Prioritize it. Schedule it if you have to. Make it happen frequently and consistently. Sex isn’t a cure-all, but it IS inseparable from a truly healthy, connected marriage.

Hilary said:

Those are all so good and important I’m just going to elaborate on HOW we accomplish those three things:

Tears- Well, we just cry. Next!

Laughter- Rich and I find humor in everything. We send each other stupid GIFs, memes, and Marco Polos through the day. We watch funny shows (The Office, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and whatever else we’re in the mood for). We RARELY watch dramatic television or movies. And if we do I have to get in the right mindset before we do. This is mostly my choice but I think we both agree that life has enough drama as it is right now.

Sex- I spoke with someone recently who thought that if they had to put sex on the calendar, as opposed to it being “spontaneous” it meant their marriage was in danger. (I don’t remember who this was, so if it was you, don’t worry. I forgot). This, however, is not true. What’s more dangerous is assuming after 3 kids, a full work schedule, and family commitments, that sex will ever happen spontaneously ever again! You don’t have to plan it 3 weeks in advance, but maybe carve out time the day before.

And my final word of advice would be to not let all the stressors separate you, but let sex be your default bookend. If you’ve had a fight? Sex. If your kid is not doing well? Sex. If you have to leave for a week long hospital stay? Sex. If you just got back from one? Sex. Never thought I’d be typing “sex” so much in my blog. But I believe in it. And I believe in America.